Well, anyone that knows me knows that I am a stubborn ole gal, and once I make up my mind to do something, I will do it, even if it kills me. This time, it just might. What am I doing that is so reckless and abandon?? And dare I say, dangerous??
Am I hang gliding over the Grand Canyon? Or becoming a "wing walker" in my spare time? Learning how to wrestle alligators in the deep south? Perhaps becoming a traveling rattlesnake kissing pastor of a small southern church? (not likely, just saw that on television lately and it kind of stuck with me..) No, no nothing like that at all.
What I am doing, is learning to do dialysis at home, accompanied by my trusty (I hope..) side kick, my daughter Brogan. Actually, SHE is learning how to do it, I play games on my computer (when I am not nervously watching to make sure she is paying close attention to the instructor.)
We have decided to try and learn how to do this at home, as it is a long drive (an hour each way) and with winter coming, I was not looking forward to having to make that trip, snow storm or no snow storm. I will still have to dialysize three times a week, for four hours at a time but will be able to do so in the comfort of my own home.
I am using the word "comfort" very lightly, as there are still needles involved whether I am at the clinic, or in my living room, which is where we are planning on taking on this endeavor. I WON"T however, have the long tiring drive after I am done with my treatment, and can still keep an "eye" on things here even while I am hooked to the dialysis machine. I am indeed the ultimate multi-tasker. I am sure I can at least fold laundry while I sit there and get my blood filtered. These jobs must be done!
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| The two large pieces of machinery soon to grace my house |
SO, luckily for me, (I say perhaps very tongue in cheek-ly) I have a daughter that has agreed to go with me and become, dare I put it down in writing....my personal care attendant. I am only 50 for goodness sake!!! I shouldn't need anyone for as much as a hair combing for 20 plus years!! But alas, here we are..learning how to keep me alive, via big ole hunks of machinery, one of which reminds me of scuba tanks. NICE! Nothing says country charm like big equipment in the living room. I am thinking perhaps a doily would help...but I have never found a doily that is large enough. I guess I will have to go with a brightly colored afghan. Sure. That will be inconspicuous. No one will ever know....
Wednesday of last week was our first day of training, and by the second day, the nurse that is instructing us had Brogan sticking needles into a fake arm, and keeping records already. Monday is our third day, and she has already lined her up to stick me. Yes, you read that right. Third day=stick her mother with large needles.
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| Photo taken from my helpless position in chair.."You will talk...." |
What did I think about that? A couple song fragments filtered through my mind as the nurse was suggesting that Brogan was indeed ready to attempt the STICK. First...was "Monday, monday..la la la la la la
Can't trust that day..la la la la la la..." followed closely by a U2 song I changed up a bit..."Monday bloody Mondayyyyyyy!!!"
Yes, I am looking forward to this with great apprehension..I mean aggravation! No!! NO! APPRECIATION! Yes that's it!
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| Nurse Ratchett..I mean Nurse Brogan |
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| Feeling for the vein of the fake arm |
Suddenly, the sun seems brighter..the sky seems bluer..the air is more crisp..clean..or maybe I just feel more ALIVE! Savoring every moment, cause you never know when it will all end!! End?? What??...nooooo, I'm not nervous, I keep telling myself. She has given many shots to the horses, I tell everyone..She is an old pro at needles, and besides..I only saw a little simulated blood running down the dummy arm..I am sure I can live without the pint or so that ran down the arm and onto the floor. Jeez...people have like 8 pints or so right?? I'm sure I don't need every drop!
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| Keeping track of my vitals |
What I am worried about is the BEEFER, stumbling through the living room, falling over the plastic tubes and yanking needles from my arm, thereby spray painting the living room a nice bright red color..She is a notoriously clumsy cat, and loves to hang around where she finds me. I may have to put the BEEFER in lock down while I am all "DIALYSIS WOMAN"!
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| I yelled "OUCH!!" when she stuck the needle in 'cause I'm a lot of fun like that... |
I think that is my new name.."DIALYSIS WOMAN". I am a SUPERHERO, able to leap tall...umm..maybe not leap..been quite a while since I have been able to leap over as much as a crack in the floor. Let's see...I am DIALYSIS WOMAN..able to write grammatically incorrect ramblings and have people from all over the world read them, because they aren't particularly busy..at that moment. Yeah, that will work.
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| I call this her "the fake arm only lost a little blood, but if you don't stop your whining..." look... |
Tune in next week when DIALYSIS WOMAN is attacked by her "personal caregiver daughter" with large painful needles. Will she be able to withstand the charge? Will there be an infiltration??? (infiltration = big ouchy) Will caregiver daughter tell DIALYSIS WOMAN to stop being such a baby and quit complaining??Most likely...TUNE IN!
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